Choosing
Better Over
Bitter
Racheal
Holloway (by permission)
Choosing better over bitter is not easy. Growing up I didn’t
have
a lot of friends. I was a very shy girl. Fearful, really of people,
even my peers. What about you? I use to sit and watch my peers in
relationships and envy the closeness, the bond between them.
Man, I wanted that
for my life, yet I would never let
anyone in close enough to build that type of relationship. I thought
something was wrong with me and I was afraid others would find out
– my peers that is. I went through my early life like this. I
never made friends in my own culture, always cross culture lines. I
remember a few: Ann who was from Poland; Phyllis, from Italy; Elsie
from Puerto Rico; Carol, from Jamaica; The Twins, Yvette and Yvonne,
Americans.
I never trusted any
of them with my deepest secrets. I
was always asking questions about their home countries and what it was
like. I was looking for something but to this day I don’t
know
what.
When I hear others
talk about knowing a friend since
kindergarten, or elementary, I think, “Wow! That’s
good. I
missed out on that.”
Sexual abuse steals
a lot from you. I am not still
blaming it but I have to be honest with myself. I went from an innocent
child to a child who lived in fear, fantasy and without trust.This is a
time to choose better over bitter.
Trust is something
I have tried to develop as I have
grown into womanhood. I’ve done well but every now and then,
it
rears it ugly head.
I remember meeting
a woman and we started getting close.
We kidded each other, something I never felt comfortable doing. We
shared meals together. She is a Christian like me. We had some things
in common. She would share things with me, and I would share some
things with her, but not a lot.
I really felt we
were crossing over to a bonding
relationship. And one day she took her daughter’s word in a
situation involving church; never consulted me, got my input, allowed
her daughter to make a comment about me offending a member of the
church. Choose better over bitter.
Her daughter said,
“Oh, she offends me too,”
to this person. The one who had shared so much of her private life with
me, personal stuff, the one whom I was beginning to let in said,
“Oh, that’s just the way she is.”
It was a lie. It
hurt. But more than anything I was
disappointed at the friend I was building the relationship with.
I thought God had
granted me the perfect friend. You can
kid each other in friendships but you never cross the line. The
daughter had crossed the line with me a few times and took my
disregarding her by walking away from her comment as offensive.
I found out that
perhaps I didn’t reveal enough of
myself in this relationship, so they really didn’t know me.
At
least the one I was becoming friendly with didn’t know me. As
much as I want to have human relationships that are meaningful, God
knows I’m still rough around the edges. This was a test to
see
how I would handle the relationship that followed. I chose not to
disconnect from the relationship. I’ve grown in that respect.
As
I search my life, I know that God in me has perfected that. Choosing
better over bitterness.
It took some
praying moments to work out the pain and
disappointment I felt but I am at peace and she is still my friend.
“Relationships
that are meaningful go through
trials. It could be a girl friend, boy friend, husband, wife. You can
choose to shut the door, or grow beyond the hurt, disappointment and
pain to become one with your heavenly father, adopting his love, or
grow bitter instead of better.”
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