Preparing to Find Your Dad

Finding one’s daddy may have some hurdles in the path. It depends on if mom and him left on good terms, or he abandoned her, and she wants to make sure he never connects with you again. There is a need in all of us to know where we have come from. You have the right to know. It did take two people to create you.

You have probably built up fantasies in your mind about what he looks like, what you want him to be. He is not as you imagine. You have created those ideas in your mind to make you feel better. So spare yourself the disappointment, if you can, but more than likely you won’t. Your expectations are going to let you down.

The visions you have of this wonderful, good looking, successful man. . . not him. Here are some tips for meeting dad for the first time: make notes of what you thought and want, and then rip them up. Get over it! He is who he is, take him or leave him. Please don’t tell him your ugly thoughts on that first meeting. Hopefully, your desire to see him is not to make him hurt with ugly words. Pretend you are meeting a friend for the first time. What do you say to that potential friend? You can’t talk about things you have never shared with each other, at least, not on the first meeting. It will feel strange, forget about the feelings and flow with the conversation.

It might go something like this: “Tell me a little bit about you. Where were you born? Your parents’ names. Do you have siblings? What was it like growing up? How did you meet my mother? Are you married and have children? If so, how many? It’s okay to make a list of questions. You might try to memorize theminstead of reading them off of a paper. Your dad probably wouldn’t mind if you read them, or even wrote the responses. These are moments to cherish.

It will have its emotional moments upfront but get better as time progresses. Don’t try to ask too many questions right away. Give yourself time. You both need time. He will have questions for you. Don’t get angry if he tries to push his wife in between. He knows her. He wants to make her feel comfortable. It is his wife. Get control over your emotions. It’s been a long time, and you want him, and him alone, but that’s life.

If he has younger children, or older children, the younger ones may become jealous because they see you as an intruder, taking up their daddy’s time. It’s okay. You have a choice: you can act like them and spoil the meeting, or you can be an example of selflessness and include the younger ones as much as possible, by talking to them, or attempting to amuse with them.